Meet C.J., my husband. We met our senior year of high school in 2011. Been together for 8 years and married for almost 2. He proposed on July 4, 2017. We decided to go to the courthouse and get married on Friday, September 22, 2017. When we got married I was still going thru PPD after having my son. You would have thought that after marrying the love of my life I would be the happiest girl in the world. And I was, for that weekend that I celebrated with our friends and family. Monday came back around and I went right back into my depressive funk.
Just like many women I am sure, my husband did not really know and understand what PPD was. Yes, he had heard of it because it was talked about in my doctor’s appointments and talked about right after I had the baby but do I think he really understood?…….. NO… Which to me, was completely understandable because no husband think’s that their wife will get it.
So, after I had my daughter, Caidence, I stayed home for 5 weeks instead of the recommended 6 weeks because I felt like staying home was driving me insane. I was in the house all day surrounded by my rambunctious 2-year-old and my infant. I had no time to myself and I felt like I did not have space to breathe. At 4 weeks postpartum I had a tubal removal surgery done to remove my fallopian tubes from my body. I knew for myself that I was done having kids. That right there is when the problems in my marriage had started……
I did not know until months later that my husband was extremely hurt by the fact that I got my tubes removed. Did I know at the time that he didn’t want me to do it? Yes, I knew that he was against it. But, did I care? No, I did not care because in my mind I am thinking, “It’s my body and I will do what I want. Until he can carry kids he has no say,” and more thoughts just like that. Which I still have those same thoughts today.
Do I regret getting my tubes removed? At this point in my life I do not regret that decision because I made a decision that was best for ME. So many people would say things like, “Did you ask your husband if it was okay?” or “How does your husband feel about it?” No, I did not ‘ask my husband if it was okay’ because I am a grown adult that makes decisions that will be best for ME. What I do hate about the situation is not checking on his feelings afterwards because I know that he really wanted three kids.
Unintentionally my husband was holding a grudge against me and didn’t even realize until months after. He was hurt and hadn’t really come to terms with those feelings between working, two kids, anddddd football season. Come January when my PPD kicked into gear things really changed for our relationship.
He didn’t realize the stress that I was under between not loving myself, breastfeeding, work, two kids, making sure the house is clean, cooking, and more. Moms literally do it all. He was caught up in his own little world and was oblivious to my feelings. Of course when I realized that I was going thru PPD I told him. He agreed and could tell that there was shift in my daily mood. We began to argue and fight constantly and some days I would straight up tell him that I was angry as hell at him and he didn’t even do anything. I will never forget that once he said to me, “Change your mindset and your depression would go away.”….. Y’ALL, I could have throat punched him because if changing my mindset would have been the answer then I wouldn’t have even been going thru PPD in the first place…… MEN JUST DO NOT GET IT, that is much easier said than done.
I felt like I was doing everything to fix our relationship and he was doing nothing. I was doing research about how to fix a marriage after a baby. One time I even brought home an activity for us to do that was supposed to strengthen our marriage. I felt like nothing was making our relationship better at that time.
Not only did my depression cause problems but my own personal insecurities did too. There were days that I would wake up and just accuse him of cheating on me because he would simply comment on a girl’s Facebook status. I couldn’t begin to even count how many times I accused this man of cheating during that time. Now that I look back at it I laugh because I know he wouldn’t cheat and anyone that knows my husband personally knows that he wouldn’t cheat on me either. My brain was clouded by negativity and negative thoughts at that time that I couldn’t even think logically.
My depression got so bad that he just did not know how to handle me anymore so he just shut down and said that he could no longer try in our marriage and that he wanted to focus on getting my mental health back. So there was a time where we spoke about separating so that I wouldn’t have to focus on my marriage and to focus on myself. So we took a “break” from marriage and really focused on my mental health. I kind of felt unwanted and unloved at the time but looking back at everything my husband would have much rather taken a break for US for me to focus on ME…… and to me that right there is LOVE.
One thing that I would like to say is that people feel that a man should just suck their feelings up and deal with it when a woman is going thru PPD. But the reality of it is that a man still has feelings just like a woman. I do not feel like he should mask his pain just to make the woman feel better. Having a baby is big for both people and it really changes the dynamic of everything so I think that it is healthy that a man be able to express his emotions and concerns as well.
Fast forward to today, we are better than ever. Just purchased our first home. About to celebrate 2 years of marriage and our wonderful kids are going to be one and three this month. I ultimately feel like my PPD made our marriage stronger in the end. It didn’t feel like it while going thru everything but I realized that it did in the end.
Thank you for checking out my blog. If you have questions or just want to reach out because you need help, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or reach out to me on Instagram at @FitByBrittP